thesoulpurposedotorg

In my sorting through old papers, I came across this reflection I had written 20 years ago randomly tucked in a folder of bits and peices:

“Prayer has always been a mystery to me. My first memories of prayer (other than Grace said before meals) are my early grade school prayers of confession which I deemed necessary for assurance of salvation. At eight, I was taught such theological truths as eternal security and salvation by grace alone. Although relieved of my burden of laborious confessions, I began to wonder what the point of it all was.
For awhile, it was enough to know that Jesus prayed and therefore so should I. But soon I began to wonder anew, why did he bother? Some mystical soul pointed out to me that the book of Revelations describes the prayers of the saints as incense offered to God, as something which delights and pleases him. That’s a beautiful thought to me but I don’t really understand it.
And then there is Paul’s injunction to pray without ceasing! Perfectionist that I am, this verse became another impossible standard to live up to, until I understood it less legalistically.
I still don’t understand prayer. My feelings remain ambivalent. My 5 year old prays in earnest ‘Jesus, I really need your help tonight. You see, I keep wetting my bed and you know all about it. I need you to wake me up. That’s all. Thanks.’ I have tears in my eyes and fear in my soul as I add my unspoken request: ‘Please don’t answer this one with a no! I can’t explain unanswered prayer to a five year old!’
How often we experience deeply the confusion, anger and pain that so-called unanswered prayer brings. We pray ‘Thy will be done’ and hope it is the same as ours.
I don’t have any answers to all the mysteries of prayer but I do know it is God’s gift to us. I do believe prayer is given to us as a means of ‘Practicing the Presence of God,’ a way of remembering that God is present. It connects us with our eternal God…reminds us of our dependence on God…and tells us God’s joy in our existence…It brings us comfort in our loss much as we comfort our children in their sorrows.”

How ironic that at this point in my life, two decades after I wrote this, my primary vocation is meditation and contemplative prayer. And yes, God did say yes to my five-year-old’s prayer but not until we as a family faced a lot of pain. Prayer changes us but not magically. It can take us to the truth. Prayer can reveal to us that which we do not want to see. As Jesus said, “you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”