Forgiveness from the Teachings of Scripture
There is much misunderstanding about what forgiveness is and what it is not. Let’s take a closer look:
• Forgiveness is necessary. Why? Because we need to forgive just as much as we need forgiveness. If we don’t forgive, our rage and anger will be like poison to us and it will eat us up. God does not want that to happen, so we are commanded to forgive. (Philippians 2:13)
• Forgiveness frees us from the emotional bondage of hate and the physical consequences of our anger. Those things shape who we are, how we react to others and how we respond to life. If we don’t forgive, we allow the wrongful actions of another to ruin our own life.
• Forgiveness frees us from guilt and shame. We no longer need to feel anxious, worry about the situation or feel as though the whole world blames us for what happened. Though we want to take precautions never to do it again, we are free to leave the past behind us and start new again.
• Forgiveness does not free us from living with the consequences of sin, whether it’s our sin or someone else’s. But whether or not we forgive determines if we live with those consequences in bitterness or in the freedom of Christ. Ephesians 4:31-32
• Forgiveness is a gift from God. When you need to forgive someone, think about your own failures & experience of forgiveness. God loves the one who hurt you and is more willing than you are to forgive them.
• The wounds of forgiveness are not healed by time. Sins do not appear by magic, nor will they disappear by magic. Even God had to “do” something about the sin of the world. Forgiveness requires the action of the forgiver.
• Forgiveness does not ignore the pain we feel. When forgiving others, begin by telling God about the pain and the hurt you feel and ask for healing. Keep praying about the individual until the pain is dealt with. And give it time. 2 Corinthians 5:21
• Forgiveness is a choice, a difficult choice that goes against our nature of wanting revenge. Even so, don’t wait to forgive until you feel like it. Healing will come faster if you forgive first.
• You can’t do this alone! The Holy Spirit not only calls you to forgive & helps you to forgive. Pray: “Lord, I forgive ….” not “Lord, please help me to forgive,” or “ I want to forgive,” because you are bypassing the hard-core choice to forgive, which is your personal responsibility. (2 Corinthians 2:10-11)
• Forgiveness does not mean you let the other person “off the hook”. A forgiven thief still has go to jail. God requires each to confess their sin themselves. Romans 12:19
• Forgiveness does not wait for the other person to say they are sorry. They may never do so. If you wait, you may forever be in bondage to them. Forgiveness, at its best, comes before the apology. Romans 5:8
• Forgiveness is not just a change of heart. “I don’t hold it against her anymore” isn’t total forgiveness. Forgiveness acts in order to give opportunity for change and healing. Where possible, forgiveness involves telling the person what they did against you and the consequences of their actions, but only after you have forgiven them. For example: “When you told everyone else about your frustrations with me, I was angry and my feelings were hurt. It may have damaged my reputation as someone people can and want to work with. I wish you could have talked to me about it first so that we could have worked things out.”
• Using “I messages” is very important. “I messages”, describe for the other person your own feelings and how you were affected. “I messages” help you avoid making hurtful accusations (that may or may not be true) that tend to cause the other person to get defensive. This invites the other person to share what was going on within themselves and can help us work through conflict instead of making it worse. Notice the three parts of the “I message” in the example above. “When you (action)… I felt (feeling)… because (reason).” Stating things in this manner helps us focus on one specific incident, which is easier to deal with than a whole slew of incidences or a generality, i.e. “you’re so cruel”. It also better helps the other person to understand why you felt the way you did. The more we can communicate in times of conflict, the greater the chance we can work things out.
• Forgiveness is not just words spoken casually. The one who wronged you won’t understand the real pain of the sin, & won’t trust they are really forgiven if you speak before you have truly forgiven. To be trustworthy, the words must be spoken seriously, without pain or anger. Your behavior will tell more than your words can say.
• Forgiveness does not mean you will forget. Hebrews 10:17 says that God will remember our sins no more. It does not mean that he forgets, it means that he will not use the past against us. Be careful when you bring up the past with someone. If you are doing it to hurt, you probably haven’t forgiven them. If you are truly and only doing it to prevent them from sinning again, that’s called holding them accountable.
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