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Psalm 130:5 “I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope.”

I have had a daily practice of meditation for close to 30 years now. After that much practice, most days this comes naturally. But there are always those times when life has other ideas. My favorite memory of this comes from my early days of pastoring when I started a sermon series on spiritual disciplines with a tutorial on Chritian mediation. I had designed a guided meditation based on Psalm 1 with Pacabel’s Canon playing softly in the background. All was going well until I heard a man running down the aisle towards the organ carrying a fire extinquisher! The organist softly said: “I’m sorry but the organ appears to have caught on fire!”

More recently, a woodpecker was determined to destroy our cedar siding. This loud tatoo greatly interrupted my quiet. I don’t know if that was better or worse than my dear husband shooting at squirrels with his pellet gun. So much for oneness with the All of creation!

Then there is that persistent to-do list that keeps interrupting my enjoyment of God’s loving presence. If that becomes too loud, I write it down and return to the task on hand. Repeating every name for God that I can think of sometimes speaks louder than the to do list. But then there’s the chance that Amy Grant will be singing El Shaddai in my mind. Which come to think of it, isn’t a bad meditation all by itself. I believe God blesses even the intention to quiet one’s heart even if we don’t “feel” that blessing in the moment. Over time, God’s presence becomes a greater reality than even a burning organ or a persistent woodpecker.

“There is a really deep well inside me. And in it dwells God. Sometimes I am there too. But more often stones and grit block the well, and God is buried beneath. Then God must be dug out again.”

– Etty Hillesum, from The Letters and Diaries of Etty Hilliesum 1941-1943

It is customary in our culture to look for any sort of fulfillment outside of ourselves. I am reminded of the words in our constitution guaranteeing our right to pursue happiness as an inalienable right, as if happiness were a thing to capture. We often are taught to seek God in this way as well. If we just found the right church, or read the Bible for long enough each day, or listen to this or that guru, or wait until we die and are rewarded with heaven….pursuing God. But this isn’t how God is found. God dwells within the deepest recesses of our being. God has already been “captured” so to speak within the holy walls of our human self, deep in our hearts. When we endure the silence of attending to this Presence, we can live there even in the most difficult of circumstances, even in the worst as did the writer of the quote above before she met her death in Auschwitz.

Seeking Joy

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit”. Psalm 51:12

I haven’t been very joyful lately. I have motherly worries that I do my best to change into prayers, with limited success. This has drawn me closer to Mary the Mother of Jesus in a rather unorthodox way as the tune “Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be!” plays gently on my mind.

I am truly, truly, truly terrible at letting anything be. I have this persistent delusion that anything that I perceive as wrong, or even troubling can be fixed…by me…with God’s help of course! This is a particularly distructive delusion.

The above verse is the last line of David’s psalm of repentance after he was called on the carpet for trying to fix his rape of Bathsheba by killing off her husband and then marrying her. His life went down hill from there. Some things can’t ever be made right.

However, a heart broken is the only fertile field for God’s grace. Mother Mary certainly knows about broken hearts and the joy that only God can grow

Breathe in me, O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy. Act in me, O Holy Spirit, that my work, too, may be holy. Draw my heart, O Holy Spirit, that I love but what is holy. Strengthen me, O Holy Spirit, to defend all that is holy. Guard me, then, O Holy Spirit, that I always may be holy. Amen.

Adapted from a prayer by St. Augustine

Church

“Tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for [God] to show. Any God I ever felt in church I brought in with me. And I think all the other folks did too. They come to church to share God, not find God.”

– Alice Walker

“If there is righteousness in the heart / There will be beauty in character / If there is beauty in character / There will be harmony in the home / When there is harmony in the home / There will be order in the nation / When there is order in the nation / There will be peace in the world.”

– Sri Sathya sai Baba

I knew I should have paid better attention in geometry! I am one of those math impaired people. Just the thought of numbers makes me panic. I know only a few numbers by heart: my SSN, my Mom, my daughter, and my husband’s cell phone numbers and how many teaspoons in a Tablespoon (3). When I started to listen to the video on Fibonacci numbers, I started to panic but took a deep breath and watched. And then I watched again. And again.

Our Creator and creation is awesome. Watch in awe:

I wrote this four years ago. Given our present “world system” and common anxiety, I thought it worth re-posting:

Many years ago, I was introduced to the concept of the “Abuse” or “Co-dependency” Triangle. I have come to think of it as a visual description of sin. Imagine a triangle. At the top of the triangle put the word “Oppressor.” At the left corner put the word “Victim.” At the right corner, put the word “Savior.” Keep that in mind for a few moments. Then think of a troubled relationship in your life. Which of those roles do you play? This can be a personal relationship, a relationship with your job or your church and then finally your relationship with God. Take a few moments to process this thought before you read on.

I believe this concept of God as Savior within the context of this abuse triangle has perpetuated a great mis-understanding of the purpose of life and the purpose of salvation. We miss the gospel itself when stuck in this way of seeing life. We even conceive our country in this way, either as looking to government to save us or to see our country as the world savior. This is so ingrained in our world view that it is hard to think of life any other way. According to the theory, the only way out of this disastorous way of living, is to embrace this paradox: Take total responsibility for your life AND know that you are only a small part of a much bigger picture. I believe that is the salvation of Jesus the Christ: not a rescue from external oppressors, not permission to oppress anyone who doesn’t see life as we do, not a requirement to rescue everyone in our path.
I know I’m getting a little abstract here but bear with me. The concept of the Mystery of the Trinity is basic to orthodox and historical Christianity. It seems most churches and pastors have a great deal of trouble even acknowledging this mystery. In my church, we sing the Gloria Patri and the Doxology for which I am thankful but any sermons I’ve heard on the Trinity have to do with identifying with one of the Three Persons or comparing the Trinity to 3-in1 oil or an egg. I think we’re better off just singing our praises to this which we do not understand.
For me, it has been embracing the Trinity in all It’s mystery that has countered my own sin-triangle with a holy cleansing. Living life in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit…..meditating in the knowledge that I am one with the Creator, the Redeemer and the Sanctifier…..even more ancient is the Sanskrit understanding of God as Tat, Sat and Om. I begin my mediation time with a ritual of remembrance as I stand before three candles, I cross myself in the eastern tradition and know I am in the presence of that which creates all, that which was incarnated in a woman’s womb, that which binds me to eternal life – I let this mystery that is greater than my sin embrace me and fill me and breathe through me. One resource in particular has been very helpful in this regard: Richard Rohr’s The Divine Dance . This is a set of four CD’s. Do not listen to this while you are driving! The depth of mystery to be experienced and holy presence is not compatable with driving. I went five exits past my destination the first time I listened. l close with this: This is the prayer by Richard Rohr that comes with the CD:

God for Us, we call you Father
God Alongside us, we call you Jesus
God Within us, we call you Holy Spirit
You are the Eternal Mystery
That enables, enfolds and enlivens all things,
Even us, even me.
Every name falls short of your Goodness and Greatness
We can only see who you are in what is.
We ask for perfect seeing.
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be, Amen.

“Whether you like it or not, whether you know it or not, secretly all nature seeks God and works toward [God].”

– Meister Eckhart

Good to know in these days when all of creation seems to be at the very least confused. I am reminded of these words of the Apostle Paul :

The created world was bound to fail. But that was not the result of its own choice. It was planned that way by the One who made it. God planned to set the created world free. He didn’t want it to rot away completely. Instead, he wanted it to have the same glorious freedom that his children have.
We know that all that God created has been groaning. It is in pain as if it were giving birth to a child. The created world continues to groan even now. (Romans 8:20-22 NIRV)

And so do we. Groan, and worry and wonder. But even we are groaning with creation towards our loving creator who planted within us all this glorious freedom to be what we were created to be.

Right now it seems that aging is a part of that created purpose. I’m not liking this. However, this human body must have been created with humor in mind. Yearning for the glorious freedom of life in a ressurected body, count me part of that groaning creation!

For God so loved the world that he had to become one of us. And then, Alleluia, He is risen and we return to our destiny to be one with God. Amen.