Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

I have been listening to a sung Sanskrit prayer called the Gayatri for about a decade now as part of my daily spiritual practice. When my parents have visited, they have enjoyed being quiet with me as this most ancient of prayers plays in the background. . My Mom listens and says, “I understand that prayer – it means love” and my Dad would say “it means peace”. They often enjoyed disagreeing about things that didn’t much matter which made for great amusement in our family. We often told them they had high entertainment value.

One day, my father and my husband were working on installing a light near our spiral staircase. Chris was in the tiny knee-wall attic amidst the rafters and insulation, crawling on his knees, flashlight in hand, looking for the wires Dad was feeding through the wall. All of a sudden Dad stopped and the Gayatri started playing. (He had accidentally pushed the button on the nearby CD player). “What happened?” Chris shouted from within the attic. Dad said, “I don’t know but suddenly I feel very peaceful!”

Eventually the light fixture was installed but every night when we turn it on, we smile with the memory of Dad’s sudden peacefulness.

The following Christmas, the one thing Dad wanted was a CD of the Gayatri which I was pleased to give him along with a translation of the word’s meaning. Though the language was foreign and the source of the prayer more ancient than Judaism or Christianity, he recognized the oneness of truth that transcends our paltry attempts to know Divinity.

It is a fine line to walk: discerning what is true and what is human misunderstanding. As our world grows smaller through information overload, and we learn from the variety of experiences of holiness in this vast earthly population, I find that the test of what is true becomes clear to me when the peace of Christ shines brightly within my heart. And that comes with the daily practice of sitting quietly in God’s presence, and through the reading and memorizing scripture. May you know that peace today.

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My Dad would probably tell me I was getting “high falutin’ ” by calling these observations of his life “Spiritual Practices.” These things were just the way he lived the Christian life. One of the delightful things he did was to call everyone in his church and additional friends and family on their birthday and he would sing Happy Birthday to them. Even when he was getting ready to go to the hospital to have knee surgery, he made those calls. The day before he died, at a time we weren’t quite sure of how aware he was, he sang his last Birthday song to his wife of nearly 64 years.
It wasn’t just his singing the song that touched so many people. There was something in the way he did it, and his commitment to each person that exuded joy. He sang in the choir and helped that group bond by his occasional silliness and antics with his best buddy Glen. He sang in the shower, and when he put the dishes in the dishwasher and when he mowed the lawn. I remember him leading the neighborhood men in singing “O Solo Mio” while they put a new roof on the house. You just couldn’t help but feel delighted by him at these times and to share in his joy of being alive.

A few years ago, I was driving my parents home from New York on a Sunday morning. Dad was missing being at church and singing in the choir. So we put on the radio and scanned for Christian stations that were playing music. We’d change the channel when the preaching began or when we were out of range. At one point we were delighted to hear the Hallelujah Chorus and together we sang our parts: Mom attempting to carry the soprano, Dad the bass and myself the alto. We were having a grand old time when suddenly the music stopped. We tried to get the station back on to no avail so just shut the thing off. A few minutes passed and suddenly we heard it again! It turned out to be my Dad’s cell phone. If you can’t laugh at yourself, there’s something wrong with you! Life lesson number one. Happy Birthday Dad.

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Jesus Christ a swear word?

This past Sunday, I preached in the little country church where I am a member. After the worship, a young mother came up to me to tell me how much she enjoyed being in the worship service. It had been awhile since she had gone to church and her little four year old son, had never been. He’s been asking her lots of questions about God lately and she decided it was time to bring him to church. His questions were things like “Why did God make me a boy instead of an octopus? I want to have eight arms.” Good question… but I bet his mother is very glad he only has two arms and two legs. He sounds like a real pistol. She told me that he got very upset at the beginning of my sermon because I said “Jesus Christ.” His eyes got big and round and he looked at his mother in horror and said “She said a swear word!” A few minutes later, the same thing happened and he was visibly disturbed. She tried to explain to him who Jesus was but all he’d ever heard was that it was a bad word. I recommended that she get a children’s New Testament and begin to read it to him. In part, the story is hysterical! It would be very funny on a comedy show, wouldn’t it? But when it’s the truth, it makes me a little sad. “And a little child shall lead them….” I hope this little boy’s early training in the meaning of the words “Jesus Christ” has not immunized him against an authentic encounter with Jesus the Christ. Perhaps the audacity of his horror will lead his mother back to a faith she once glimpsed but didn’t quiet grasp. May it be so. Amen.

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I didn’t ask to be born….

When I was being praticularly bratty as a teenager, I would often respond to my parent’s corrective actions with the exclamation “Well, I didn’t ask to be born you know!” When going through particularly trying times as an adult, I would say the same thing in jest to God in prayer. I’d add to it the fact that Jesus never experienced marriage or raising children or pastoring a church and he got to leave at age 33! I have relied a lot on my deep belief that God has a great sense of humor. I will be very disappointed if I have been mistaken on this score.
With this background, I was very amused and heartened by this prayer I read in Paramahansa Yogananda’s commentary on the Bhagavad Gita: “Heavenly Father, I did not wish to be created, nor did I wish to be placed in proximity to alluring evil temptations. Please, O God, since You created me and put me to the test of life, without consulting me, bless me that I use my power of free choice to strengthen my will and to follow the path of freedom and not the path of delusion.”
I love that prayer! I hope it encourages you as well.

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Moses and Bushes

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe
and sandals, and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and
said, “Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?”
The man didn’t answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president
said, “Moses!” in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never
acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed
man, asked him, “Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?”
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
“Well,” said the president, “every time I say his name, he ignores me and
stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!” Again the president
yelled, “Moses!” and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered,
“You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?”
The man leaned over and whispered back, “Yes, I am Moses. However, the last
time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended
up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where
there is no oil!”

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Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
You’ll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law:
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Oliver’s Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (I’ve found this to be oh so true…) Amen to this one!!!

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

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1. We admitted we were powerless over nothing – that we could manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone who would allow us.

2. Came to belive that there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane.

3. Made a decision to have our loved ones turn their wills and their lives over to our care even though they couldn’t understand us at all.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of everyone we knew.

5. Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone else’s wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to make others give us the respect we deserved.

7. Demanded others do our will because we were always enlightened.

8. Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any lengths to get even with them all.

9. Got direct revenge on such people wherever possible except when to do so would cost us our lives or at the very least a jail sentence.

10. Continued to take inventory of others and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.

11. Sought through complaining and medication to improve our relation with others as we could not understand them at all, asking only that they do things our way.

12. Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.

Author Unknown

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I know this is terribly irreverent of me to post this but it gave me a good laugh. While going through my Psychiatric Nursing rotation in undergrad, I thought I had every one of these disorders. Of course, during the Medical/ Surgical rotations, I thought I had every other disease we studied. So with apologies to all who suffer from mental illness, remember “it takes one to know one” and I know of what I speak…sometimes…..but then sometimes I forget…..thanks to my dearest friend who sent this to me.


Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are
Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and
Fire Hydrants and …

Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Passive-Agressive Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna
Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells …

Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave
My House
Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House
Social Anxiety Disorder — Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

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“Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.”

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I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything I had hoped for.
Almost, despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among all men, truly blessed.
(Author Unknown)

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